Before I start this post, here is a quick (long overdue!) update of clinic and this semester
Now in my eighth week of clinic, I am just completely amazed at how easy the confidence came and how much I just LOVE it. With every shift, with every patient, I’m learning so much, and feeling like a real acupuncturist! It is such a great feeling knowing you are right where you are supposed to be! I still have so much to learn, but I have finally made the mental shift that I ABSOLUTELY CAN DO THIS! Sometimes I have to remind myself of this, but that’s ok too. I’m learning to trust myself. I’m enjoying the challenges, and learning from them. I’m also enjoying the times when I explain something that I had no idea about just a short time ago. I’m loving the progress I’m making….and that I’m nearing the light at the end of the long tunnel of grad school. It’s been super busy, but I will try to update more regularly!
Sometimes it’s hard to do something so simple. To just love.
I myself love lots of things. My husband, my dogs, family, friends, Barre n9ne, living near the ocean….really too much to list! I consider myself a passionate, caring person, with so much love to give. Even if the love is not returned, even if the person doesn’t really deserve it.
I work hard to find the happiness in everything I do. Even if it’s not completely enjoyable, even if I have to ‘shift my focus’ and look very hard to find it.
So, what’s the problem?
Sometimes I find it so hard to just love myself.
Sometimes I can be my own worst enemy.
Back in August of 2011, I participated in the Barre N9ne 60-Day Challenge. I followed the challenge as best I could and ended up making it a healthy lifestyle change that I plan to keep forever. I transformed my body. I went from a size 6 to a size 0. I am so proud of my hard work, and happy that almost a year after I started, my new smaller clothes still fit. And I feel strong and healthy.
This Challenge totally changed my life. It taught me so much, made me into a healthier, happier person and helped with body issues that I have struggled with for years.
But I am still struggling.
I’m finding it hard to let go of wanting to be perfect. It’s hard for me to ‘just love’ myself, all of myself for who I am today.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about this for a while now. I see the pictures, I see the amazing changes, but it’s hard for me to fully accept that I’m fine just the way I am.
I find myself wanting more.
This is a time in my life when I should just embrace everything about my life. I need to just love, to absolutely love this body that I work so hard for every day. I need to take my own advice and ‘shift my focus’.
And I am actively
trying doing this. Instead of worrying and obsessing that my stomach isn’t flat enough, or another imperfection. I’m looking at my strong, beautiful body. My arms are toned, my back is strong. My thighs aren’t super skinny, but they are strong, and they are 4.5 inches smaller than they were last year! Though my body may not be perfect, I have to let this go, because it never will be, and that is not the point.
We have to enjoy our bodies for what they are, for what we can do with them, for what we can work our butts off to mold them into. Because if we don’t enjoy them, then really, what’s the point??
I was reading a book the other day called Being Perfect By Anna Quindlen, where she says that trying to be perfect is like carrying around a backpack full of bricks.
It’s unnecessary, it’s silly, and it’s just going to give you a sore back!
So this is me being completely honest. I am putting down that backpack full of bricks.
I am embracing who I am today.
And I will ‘just love’ myself everyday.
I know this is easier said than done. But I know if I keep trying, and keep working on it, I can get past these issues.
If you have similar struggles, I urge you to do the same. Let go of the need to perfect. Try to be the best YOU you can be.
I love my friends so much and I see them as beautiful people inside and out. I don’t see any of their imperfections. So why be so hard on myself? It’s silly, and it’s a waste of time. And I’m done with it.
It’s time to move forward and love my entire self.